


Sugar Daddy

by UnhelpfulPanda



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Cinnamon Toast Crunch the cat, Dirk is 18 though you can relax, Everyone Is Gay, Implied animal abuse, Implied animal neglect, M/M, Sugar Daddy AU, first posted work woot woot!, just mind the summary and beginning notes for chapter 9, maybe rating will go up with sexy times idk, not by the main characters though! by some evil rando, the following are tags for chapter 9 only
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-01-21 10:52:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1548032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnhelpfulPanda/pseuds/UnhelpfulPanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dirk Strider meets his Sugar Daddy, Jake English, for the first time, he is swept off his feet. But what happens when he realizes Jake is just as awkward as him? What happens when Dirk's younger brother Dave is hell-bent on finding something wrong with Jake? What happens when Dirk's boss Roxy and Jake's ex-wife Jane start dating each other? Shenanigans, of course. Shenanigans are what always happens in these fics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dirk: meet your Sugar Daddy

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is my first posted work on this website! I thought I'd start it off with some DirkJake, with some other pairings thrown in there. This is a "everyone is gay" AU I guess. Enjoy~

==> Dirk: meet your sugar daddy

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you are late. Your younger brother is blowing up your phone with text after text about how uncool you are and how he’s gotta piss and how the schoolbus almost ran him over and…really, you stopped reading after the first five texts, but your phone is still going off in your back pocket. You are standing in front of your favorite music store. In the window is a brand new orange pair of headphones that you’ve had your eye on for months now. Sadly, you can’t use your work money for anything non-essential. You and Dave have to eat, after all, and your boss/best friend would kill you if you were frivolous with your money when you had responsibilities.

Suddenly, you are aware of someone step up behind you. He clears his throat and asks, in an odd mix between a British and an Australian accent, “Looking at anything in particular?”

You spin on your heels, prepared to defend yourself, and holy shit your kokoro just doki doki’d down the street singing “HALLELUJAH!” Before you stands a man in his mid-thirties with dark brown hair and bright green eyes framed by black square glasses. His skin is tan, like he bathed in sunlight, but you can still make out freckles dusting his cheeks. And his shoulders are broad, like he’s been doing some lifting. And he’s wearing shorts that show off muscular legs. Jesus take the whole damn car.

“Uh,” You say smoothly, pointing dumbly at the headphones. He appraises them, notes the price, and…smiles?

“My name is Jake English. And yours?” he asks.

“Uh. Dirk Strider,” You greet, holding out your hand for a handshake. He takes your hand and kisses it and you bet you are red to the tips of your ears now holy shit what a smooth motherfucker.

“Would you like me to get you those headphones, Mister Strider?” he asks, and your eyes go wide behind your shades.

“Yes??” Is that an actual question? Holy fuck! You think you might pass out. Jake smiles and you grow suspicious once again. Stranger danger and all that. “What’s the catch?”

“Ah, you’ve caught on, have you?” He laughs and you melt a little, god what a sexy laugh. “The ‘catch’ is you have to let me take you to dinner tomorrow,” He says, winking.

“Uh.” Okay, that sounds alright. “Sure? I have to pick up my brother now though, I’m late,” You explain.

“Please, allow me to give you a ride. After all, I did waste some of your precious time,” he tells you, then gestures at the store. “Shall we get your headphones now?” You nod dumbly and follow him in a sort of trance-like state.

* * *

When you arrive at the middle school, Dave looks like he’s about to shit his pants when he sees you show up in the passenger side of a fucking Lamborghini. “Dirk?” He asks, unsure it is actually you. He looks to Jake. “Who’s the pedo?”

You ignore Jake’s offended glance at you. “Get in, asshole,” you order, and Dave tosses his backpack in the back seat and hops in. He notices your headphones and frowns.

“Roxy’s gonna be mad that you wasted your money,” he says in his own bratty way.

“Roxy ain’t gonna be shit because Jake’s the one who bought them for me,” You retort, glaring at him through your shades. Dave smirks at Jake.

“You his sugar daddy or something?” he snickers, and Jake shrugs.

“You could say that,” Jake chuckles, glancing at you and winking, and you blush and stifle an embarrassing giggle. Dave pouts.

“No fair, I want a sugar daddy!” He whines, and you stick your tongue out at him.

“Get your own, this one is mine,” you snap, and Jake laughs, driving you home.


	2. Jake: Be nervous

==> Jake: be nervous for your first date

Your name is Jake English, and you are very nervous. This is your first date since you were married, and your ex-wife always says you were never much of a charmer.

Jane Crocker and you were high school sweethearts after your grandmother and her grandfather set you up for homecoming. However, you were always one for adventuring, and Jane liked it best when you were home with her. You felt suffocated. You divorced her after ten years of marriage.

Not to say the two of you aren’t great friends still, but the point is that having a young, energetic man who looks like he could take you on and maybe beat you in a fight sounds exhilarating. The only problem was, as his sugar daddy, you are supposed to be smooth as butter. You are currently about as smooth as a porcupine’s ass.

You faked it yesterday and seemingly swept him off his feet. Now you just need to fake today and hopefully get yourself a cute adventuring boy toy.

* * *

 

You pick him up from his house and watch in amusement as he comes out, still ogling your car. His middle school aged brother, Dave, shouts, “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy!” out the window, causing Dirk’s cheeks to turn a cute pink color.

“I’m not really a first date fuck, English,” he warns you, smirking. “So if you were expecting to get laid, you should probably rethink your evening.” Your heart does the Macarena. Did he think you were expecting sex?? Were you expecting sex?? You inwardly panic.

“Uh. No, no, not at all. I thought we could do some shopping before I take you to dinner?” you suggest, and he raises a blonde eyebrow at you.

“What kind of shopping?” he asks suspiciously, and you gulp.

“Clothes shopping,” you offer up, and his second eyebrow joins its brethren.

“What kind of clothes?” he asks again, and by golly is he asking if you are trying to buy him something scandalous?? Because you are a gentleman and as nice as Dirk would look in something salacious, you simply were not planning on that type of relationship so early on!

“I meant clothes for the evening!" You amend, then realize that you've just made it sound worse. "Oh! By that I mean nice clothes! Suits and such!” You explain, your face a very unattractive red. Dirk shrugs and gestures at the road.

“Alright, you’ve passed the pervert test. Drive on, Mister English,” he says, and you sigh to yourself and drive to the store you were thinking of.

* * *

 

“Are you kidding? This shit is expensive as hell, dude,” Dirk demands, checking the price tag on a tie and paling when he reads it. You already have your clothes on hold; a nice white button up with a black jacket, black slacks, and a forest green bowtie.

“Don’t fret over prices, Strider. Your sugar daddy is paying, remember?” You wave your credit card in front of his face and he glances back down at the price.

“I’ll try to keep it cheap.”

“No need. Buy anything you want.” Dirk looks excited as he hurries out of view. You smile after him, then jump as your phone vibrates. You pull it out and view the text waiting for you.

**JANE** :  _Coming to your area for a date soon, should I stop by?_

**JAKE** :  _Sure! come on by!_

You pocket your phone, smiling and shaking your head. She’s probably going to cook for you and clean your kitchen. You swear its almost like you’re still married sometimes, but you know for a fact she does it for all of her friends.

Dirk suddenly goes rushing into the changing room, mumbling to himself. He glances at you and points with the hand not holding his clothes. “Wait right there.” You do as you’re told, sitting down in a conveniently placed chair, and wait for the blonde to come out.

When he does, you give him a once over. He’s dressed quite similarly to you, except he’s sporting a handsome black vest and has opted for an orange tie instead of a bowtie. You turn your finger in a circle, silently asking him to do the same. He awkwardly turns for you, blushing in embarrassment. “You look good. Is that what you want?” You ask. He nods and you, of course, buy it for him in a heartbeat.

* * *

 

“Thanks, Jake,” he mumbles to you, looking dashing in the passenger side of your car dressed in his handsome new outfit. “You already are spoiling me.”

“I’m supposed to, I’m your sugar daddy,” you chuckle, and he rolls his eyes as you park in front of the restaurant. You like how he looks when he doubletakes.

“This place costs more money than I could make if I sold myself to prostitution,” he tells you.

“I highly doubt that,” you reply, mentally patting yourself on the back. That was pretty smooth for you. Dirk follows you inside, where you take your reserved seat by the window with the view of the ocean. It’s not really all that expensive for you; you’ve been to more expensive places, but its the most expensive in the area so you can understand where Dirk is coming from.

He looks uncomfortable, like he’s afraid of breaking anything he touches, and you frown at reach across the table to touch his hand. “We can go somewhere else if you want,” you offer. Shit, you messed up, he’s going to hate you.

The blonde surprises you by giving you a cute smile. “No, it’s okay, I’m just a little overwhelmed. Bear with me, okay?” You nod dumbly, watching as he finally relaxes enough to grab the menu. “Is there a price cap?” He asks you over the menu.

You smirk at him. “Never for you, love.” He smirks back at you and goes back to the menu.


	3. Dave: Be the Detective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John joins the party as Jane Crocker's protective younger brother. Also we get ages in this chapter. There is a very large age difference between Dirk and Jake, and between Jane and Roxy (but its not as bad)

==> Dave: Be the detective. Do the research

“Holy shit Roxy, you will never believe what I found out about English!” You announce, striding into the break room of Roxy’s shop. She points to the door.

“The door has a sign that says ‘Employees Only’, kiddo,” she tells you, taking a sip of what is probably alcohol from her martini glass.

“That doesn’t matter; this is important!” you insist, pulling out your laptop and typing in ‘Jake English’ into Google. “He’s got his own Wikipedia page, Roxy.”

“Really now?” Roxy comes over to look over your shoulder. “Oooh, he’s cute.”

“Roxy, he’s the enemy,” you remind her, glaring. She smirks at you.

“Why, because he’s dating your big bro and you don’t wanna share?” She teases, and you glare harder.

“No, because I can smell the bad intentions on this guy, and it smells like expensive cologne!” You turn to begin reading.

“I don’t know…if Dirk is happy then what’s the point of trying to find bad intentions?” Roxy quizzes you. You ignore her.

“Jake is, according to my research, a renowned billionaire explorer and inventor. He collects suits of armor, mummies, big game trophies, globes, and…sunbleached photos of women? The fuck?” You glance at Roxy, eyebrow raised.

“Keep reading!” She urges. You turn back to your computer.

“Well, he’s an extreme polymath; he’s a world-renowned explorer, naturalist, treasure hunter, archaeologist, scientist, adventurer, big game hunter, and billionaire **.** This guy, man…he also apparently likes movies with a burning passion and… Roxy, he owns his own island. I’m fucking done.” You get up and walk out of the room, wait a few seconds, and then come back.

“It says here he used to be married…” Roxy says, scanning the article.

“Aha! He never mentioned an ex-wife! He must be hiding somethi-” Roxy begins laughing. “What? What?!”

“That’s the woman I’m going on a date with tonight!” She cackles. You smack your hand to your forehead. “I have a song for you, are you ready?”

“No, Roxy!” you exclaim, but she just can’t be stopped.

“It’s a small world after all!” She sings, and you cover your ears.

* * *

 

==> Dave: Meet John

“You really need to go, Davey,” she tells you a little while later. You look up, raising an eyebrow.

“Why? You said you liked my company!” You remind her. She nods thoughtfully.

“Yeah, but, my date’s younger brother is coming over to ‘scope me out’ or something,” she explains, then looks at you curiously. “A bit like what you’re doing to Jake, actually.”

“So I have to leave because some brat-” you start, but you are interrupted.

“Middle schoolers,” you hear a voice scoff behind you. You turn to see a high school boy with black hair and bright blue eyes behind square frames that are similar to Jake’s.

"Does anyone read the 'Employee's Only' sign?" Roxy groans. He ignores her, coming up and holding out a hand for Roxy to shake. “The name is John Egbert. You must be Miss Roxy Lalonde?” he presumes.

Roxy, instead of shaking his hand, calmly grabs his wrist and pulls off a little pranking toy. “Nice try, kiddo, but I’ve been warned of your ways,” she snorts.

John laughs, then turns to you. “Who’s he? A kid brother?” he asks.

“I’m Dave Strider, and I’ll be in high school next year anyways!” you snap. “Plus, Roxy is my big brother’s boss,” you add.

"A boss, huh?" John takes out a clipboard and starts writing. "Not impressive compared to Jake, but pretty impressive for an average lady," John notes. You point at the clipboard.

"That's what I need," you tells Roxy.

"You'd just draw dicks all over the page, Davey," Roxy teases. You are about to protest but, no, no actually she's completely right. You turn to John instead of answering her.

"Tell me about Jake English," You order. John raises an eyebrow.

"Why do you want to know about Jake?" He questions.

"He's my brother's sugar daddy," you reply glumly. John shrugs.

"I know he says he's 30, but he's actually 46," he mentions.

"Ew, he's old..." You whisper to Roxy. John's eye twitches.

"My sister is 43, so watch it," He growls. You shrug, inwardly thinking ' _that's pretty old too_ ', but you don't say anything because Roxy might hit you over the head.

"Well, my brother just turned 18, so the age difference is a little creepy. Legal, but creepy." John turns to Roxy.

"By the way, how old are you?"

"It's rude to ask a lady such a question," Roxy huffs.

"27," You add. She smacks you over the head. "Ow." John writes the information down.

"Listen, I'll answer any questions you have about Jake if you answer my questions about Roxy," He offers.

"Deal!" You instantly reply.

"Great, we'll talk over lunch. I'll pay," John states, leaving the room. You stare after him, then turn to Roxy.

"Can high schoolers be sugar daddies to middle schoolers?" You ask.

"He's 15, Dave," Roxy warns. You get up and gather up your laptop, smirking at Roxy.

"Well, I'm 14, so our ages are closer than Dirk's and Jake's," You point out, then follow John out of the room.


	4. Roxy: Have a date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of a filler chapter, JaneRoxy if you don't want to read that. Also I'm trying hard to include Jade and Rose in this fic, so there is mentions of Rose in this chapter, but only a little bit.

==> Roxy: Have a date

It's the night of your date, and you are ecstatic. You let Dirk off work early, ordering him not to mess up your date. He laughs and tells you he won't, but you are still wary.

You pick Jane up from her hotel room at 7:30, just like you planned. “Just a moment!” Her muffled voice calls, and you wait impatiently for her. When she opens the door, you whistle in appreciation. She's wearing a light blue dress with white stockings and a matching blue bow in her hair. Compared to you, in your pink skirt and black tights and off-the-shoulder pink shirt, you feel much too under-dressed.

“Oh!” She looks you over and blushes, “Should I change?” You shake your head quickly.

“No, no, you look beautiful!” You gush, then hold out your hand. “Shall we go?” She nods happily, taking your hand, and you lead her to your car.

You take her to the movies, where she immediately hooks on a mystery film. “I love detective stories!” She squeals, jumping up and down.

“I thought you'd like that one, gutsyGumshoe,” you tease her, and she blushes bright red. You buy the tickets, popcorn, and some sweets, and the two of you get good seats in the middle of the theater.

The movie starts and Jane is instantly immersed. If you had wanted her to pay attention to you, you would have taken her to dinner. No, this way you can admire her without her knowing. She looks so pretty, the screen lighting up her face.

Jane suddenly glances at you and smiles. “Are you even watching the movie?” She asks teasingly. You blush and turn to the movie, watching the murderer sneak up on his victim.

About halfway through the movie, you figure you should make a move. You weren't going to leave this theater without getting a movie kiss, after all. Unless, of course, she turned you down. Then you'd respect her wishes. But you at least have to try, right?

You sigh and stretch, putting an arm around Jane. She smirks and leans into you, and you smile because she isn't telling you to stop. At a boring part in the movie, where you know her attention can be diverted, you place a finger under her chin and tilt her head towards you.

Jane blushes a light pink, but she still doesn't tell you to stop. You place a chaste kiss to her lips, and she giggles and whispers, “What a romantic!”

“Shh, I'm trying to watch!” Someone says behind you.

“Sorry, we'll-” You stop, turning around, and Dirk grins at you, waving. You blush, knowing he saw everything, and turn back around quickly. Jane is also flustered because Jake is here too, and that must be awkward you think.

* * *

 

You spend the whole rest of the movie infinitely aware of your best friend and his sugar daddy behind you. You don't try anything else, even when you hear them kiss behind you.

Once you get out of the movies, you see John and Dave on the bench outside. Dave is sniffling. “We had to leave our movie because it was too scary for him,” John explains.

“Shut up!” Dave cries, pushing John, and John smiles at him.

“I guess it was a bad idea. I should have taken you to something less scary,” He says, and Dave nods.

“What is everyone doing here?!” You complain. “In case you didn't notice, I had a date. That means the people there are uno-” you point at yourself, then at Jane, “and dos!”

“We wanted to come support you two!” Jake smiles brightly, and you glower at him.

“Support us from the comfort of your own home,” You tell him, and he frowns, pointing at Dirk.

“He wanted to see a movie anyways, so it was his idea,” He tattles. Dirk shoves Jake, glaring, then smirks at you.

“But you kissed, so that was good.” You both blush and look in opposite directions. You did indeed kiss, and frankly you were going to tell Dirk later anyways, him being your best friend and all, but there was something about being caught kissing that made you feel like a silly teenager all over again.

You all go your separate ways, even John and Dave. You offer John a ride to his house, figuring Dave will go with Dirk, but John tells you he promised Dave some ice cream to make up for the scary movie debacle, and that his dad will come pick them up later.

You take Jane back to her hotel. As you pull up up in front, you ask her, “Hey, why aren't you staying with your dad?”

“I'd either have to share a room with John or sleep on the couch, and neither of those are okay with me,” She laughs. There is a moment of silence before she whispers, “I had a really fun time.”

“Even though the date was crashed?” You ask. Jane laughs again and nods.

“Especially because of that! Next time we should have a group date or something!” She suggests, and you nod enthusiastically because, hell yes, there's going to be a next time! “Besides, don't I still have to meet your sister?” She adds.

“Well, she's not going to go all protective sister on you, but yeah. Actually, I think your brother and my sister are friends?” You mention, then smile at her and say, “yeah, tonight was really fun. I can't wait for next time.” Jane leans in and kisses you, and its even better than before. Her lips taste like vanilla, oh my god you are smitten.

“Bye!” She calls as she leaves. You wait for her to get into the hotel like any date should, then drive off happily. There's going to be a next time, and you are way too excited for that idea.

 


	5. Dirk: Supervise your little brother's date

==> Dirk: supervise your little brother's date

You dropped Dave off at the little cafe he was meeting up with his date. Dave said they are having a business talk. You teased him about liking the boy. Of course, Dave got defensive and his face got all red and awww, he's such an adorable little shit.

Jake, from the driver's seat, yelled out, “Have fun!” to Dave's retreating form. Dave flipped him off. “He doesn't seem to like me much,” Jake muttered.

“He's just possessive,” You reassured as he began driving off. “Park here,” You added.

“You aren't going to eavesdrop, are you?” Jake asked, frowning. You scoffed.

“Who do you think I am?” You demanded. He looked at you. You looked at him. “Yes I'm going to eavesdrop.”

Jake, of course, accompanies you. He pays for your food, and pays extra to seat you behind Dave and John's table, where they can't see you. Dave is talking about his school. “Ugh, I can't wait for high school,” He admitted.

“High school isn't as cool as you think it is,” John replied. “In fact, it kinda sucks.”

“But they said high school was going to be the best years of my life!” Dave cried.

“They lied.”

“Assholes.” John and Dave laughed, and you smirked. You turned to Jake, who was playing with the salt and pepper shakers.

“What are you doing?” You chuckled. Jake looked up at you and shrugged.

“I'm not one for eavesdropping,” he muttered.

“Oh, its not like they are going to say anything special,” you rolled your eyes at him.

“So you were going to tell me about why Jane and Jake divorced?” Dave asked. Jake's eyes went wide.

“Okay, maybe they will talk about something special,” You frowned, but were intent on listening.

“Yeah, he kept going off on adventures. Like, he would leave for months on end and leave my poor sister all alone,” John frowned. “My best guess is that the second they have sex, Jake is going off on another adventure.”

You turn to Jake. His face is red. He gets up and storms over to their table, with you in tow, trying to pull him back. “Now you listen here, you snot nosed brat,” Jake spat out, pointing a finger at John. “I loved Jane, and I love Dirk. But I will not give up adventuring, to which I also love. Don't you dare act like my going off on adventures was being unfaithful to her, either, because I was a goddamn saint!” He snapped.

“Don't talk to him like that!” Dave cried, pushing Jake. Jake whirred on him.

“And you! I've done nothing but be supportive of you, but you continue to be a huge jerk to me. What have I ever done to you, huh? Huh?! Answer me, Dave!” He yelled.

Dave sniffled, reaching under his shades to wipe at his eyes. John came around the table, hugging him tightly, and glared at Jake.

You...honestly didn't know what to do. “I think you need to take us home,” You finally told him. “And then, I think you need to leave us alone for some time.”

“What?” Jake asked. “No, Dirk, love, I didn't- I don't-”

“Jake. Just, take us home. Now,” You ordered. Jake nodded solemnly, leading the four of you out to the car. The drive home was silent, save for Dave's sniffling.

Before getting out of the car, you made sure to give Jake a sweet, chaste kiss. “This isn't goodbye forever,” you whispered. “We just need some time.”

“I-I understand,” Jake nodded, looking close to tears. You smiled softly and followed John and your brother up to your apartment.

* * *

 

===> Jake: Realized you fucked up

You did fuck up. You snapped and yelled not only at Jane's brother, but also at Dirk's brother. You were just so angry. How _dare_ they accuse you of something like being unfaithful. How _dare_ they say you will leave Dirk after sex. You aren't even in this for sex. Not like how sugar daddies usually are. You just want to date him and shower him in gifts and affection.

And now Dirk is mad at you. He didn't seem mad, granted, but you know he's at least a little mad. You made Dave cry. How could you do such a thing? You made a middle schooler cry. You're trash. Complete and utter trash.

You get home and collapse on the couch, putting your head in your hands and letting out a frustrated yell. “Goodness, who's yelling out here?”

You perk up, turning to Jane. “I made a middle schooler cry,” you admitted.

“Again?” Jane asked, crossing her arms. “First John, now this other kid, who's next? No one is safe from Jake English the middle school bully!” She teased.

“Worse yet, he's Dirk's brother!” You moaned. “And now Dirk's mad at me!”

“You've gone and lost your temper again, and it has consequences. Now, tell me what happened,” Jane ordered.

So you tell her the whole thing. When you're done, you've convinced yourself that Dirk is never coming back to you. “I've ruined my chances!” you complained.

“Oh, stop being such a baby!” Jane scolded. “You know as well as I do that the only reason we divorced was because I need someone who will be home with me, and you need someone who will let you go out and adventure,” Jane explained. “Now, I really think that Dirk is the one for you. You just need to give him some time. He needs to be with his brother right now,” She sighed. You nodded and, somehow, felt better.

“Thanks, Janey girl, you always know how to cheer a chap up,” you smiled. Jane hugged you tightly.

“Oh, don't mention it, Jake, I'm happy to help,” She laughed, “Now, how about some cake?”

 


	6. Dave: Notice Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! we're back! Dave's POV about after Jake gave them some space.
> 
> I know I wasn't very clear on timeline stuff, but Dirk and Jake have been together for quite some time prior to Jake's outburst towards Dave. This chapter takes place maybe about seven months after last chapter. And hey! Some JohnDave! 
> 
> John is basically Dave's sugar daddy, even though he is actually only a year older than Dave. It's never expressly said, but John buys things for Dave all the time. They go to movies and out to dinner and even to amusement parks sometimes. Dirk goes with to the last one, but he doesn't really have that much fun. Depression/heartbreak sucks, man, and Dirky's got it baaaaad.

==> Dave: Notice Things

            You didn’t need a command to notice that your brother was miserable. While you had busied yourself with hang outs with John, your brother had rarely left the house for anything other than picking you up from school and going to work.

            You had tried making jokes on your way home, things that usually made him laugh, but all you managed to get from him was a hollow chuckle. His time at home is spent tinkering with the robot building kit Jake had purchased him a while back. He had been ecstatic when first getting it, building tons of small gadgets and gizmos, but now all he did was fiddle with the same small bot while watching _My Little Pony_.

            You knew it was because of Jake. It had been seven months since your last disastrous encounter. Even if he lost his temper at you, you were fifteen. You knew when you were in the wrong, and you knew that you had provoked Jake into getting angry at you.

            Not that he should have been listening in the first place! But Dirk was a meddlesome asshole and you should have expected him to eavesdrop on you, and Jake went where Dirk went.

            Usually, at least. A week after Dirk announced a break from Jake due to the incident at the diner, Jake announced to Jane and Roxy that he was heading out of the country, and he didn’t give a return date. Roxy says she thinks he went to an Asian country, but it still put Dirk in a sour mood.

            “Is this my fault?” you asked into your red popsicle. John glanced at you over the top of his own blue popsicle, blue tinted lips turned down into a frown.

            “Is what your fault? The fact that you dropped your first popsicle and I had to buy you a brand new one?” he inquired teasingly, nudging you. Well, yeah, _that_ definitely was your fault, but John said he didn’t mind buying you a new one. He was nice like that.

            “Dirk is miserable without Jake, and it’s my fault for chasing the guy off,” you clarified. John shuffled his feet.

            “No, it’s mostly my fault. I antagonized Jake a lot when he was married to Jane, and especially after they divorced. A few years ago, when I was in sixth grade, I accused him of marrying my sister to get her money. Of course, at that time I didn’t know he was five times richer than Jane, but he got mad and shouted at me until I started crying. Jane was super pissed at him, but we’ve all come to understand that neither of us handled the situation very well. Jane still brings it up teasingly, but we all moved past it,” John explained.

            “But I-!” you began to argue.

            “There’s not buts, he shouldn’t have yelled at you like that! I’m not gonna let _anyone_ get away with yelling at you like that, Dave,” he huffed. Your cheeks burned as you gazed at him. “Also, your popsicle is melting.”

            “Ah!” you cried, holding out the melting treat as a glob of red barely missed your jeans. “You really mean that?” you asked, beaming at him as he cleaned you up.

            “Well…yeah. I mean, you’re really cool and smart and I think you’re cute,” he answered with a flustered flush to his cheeks. He tossed both your popsicles out now that they were becoming too messy to eat.

            “I think you’re cute too,” you smiled. John blinked up at you, surprised. “Do you want to be my boyfriend?” you blurted out without a second thought.

            John’s whole face was cherry red as he stuttered out a, “w-well, I-I mean, i-if y-”

            “Hey, kiddos!” you both turned to see Roxy heading up to you, wearing a sweater that said “Kon’nichiwa from Nihon!” in flowery pink lettering. You don’t remember her owning that before, especially since she’s never been out of the country except a brief trip to Mexico that ended with her swearing off tequila for the rest of her life.

            “Where did you get that?” you asked at the same time John asked, “Is Jake back?”

            “Jake is back from Japan and he brought souvenirs, to answer both of your questions,” Roxy answered as she reached into her purse. “Also, the Strider house is off-limits to anyone who isn’t named Dirk or Jake,” she added as she pulled stuff out.

            John held out his hands excitedly to catch the box of Japanese candies and the keychain tossed his way. “Cool, a tanuki!” he cried, then noticed your confusion. “Tanukis are pranksters in Japanese folklore, so I’m sure Jake thought it would be a perfect addition to his tradition of getting me keychains as souvenirs,” he explained.

            “Did I get candy?” you asked Roxy. Roxy nodded, handing off your own box of candies. Before you could check out your delicious loot, she had snapped a mask over your face. John burst out laughing, then groaned as his own mask was snapped onto him.

            “Yours is the blue ranger,” you told him.

            “Yours is pikachu,” he replied as he pulled his off. You took yours off as well, rolling your eyes. It was just like Jake to get something so nerdy.

            “You also have a katana waiting at John’s house for you, which Jake had to fight tooth and nail to get over here before him,” Roxy said with a roll of her eyes with a muttered, “Boys and their swords” under her breath.

            “Is your dad cooking tonight?” you asked John excitedly, already pumped at the mention of a new sword.

            “It’s taco night,” both Roxy and John answered. You cheered and ran to Roxy’s car ahead of them. Mister Egbert’s tacos were the best!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roxy bursting in before John can answer was some kind of twisted form of karma. If she can't have romance without being interrupted, then no minor pairing can! Mwahahaha!!!
> 
> I'm joking, I'm just an asshole lmao. This is a DirkJake fic, the other pairings are minor for a REASON!!! Gosh guys. JK I love you guys.


	7. Dirk: Reunite With Your Loving Sugar Daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake comes back with souvenirs from Japan! also, I bumped up the rating to "mature". I think its technically still "teen and up" but I wanted to be safe, ya know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title is a reference to [S] John: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter
> 
> also I have writer's block so I hope you guys like this because it was hard to churn out

==> Dirk: Reunite with Your Loving Sugar Daddy

            You checked your watch and noticed the time was past when you were supposed to pick Dave up from his totally not a date with his totally not a boyfriend. You cursed under your breath and snatched up your phone, expecting it to be flooded with complaints from your brother. Instead, there was only one message from Dave, and another two from Roxy.

 

            The other message was a selfie of Dave and John, with the caption gloating about how he was going over on taco night and you weren’t. You rolled your eyes and tossed the phone back to where it had been after taking it off silent. You were about to unpause MLP and continue your tinkering, but the door knocked.

            “Who is it?” you called blankly.

            “Pizza delivery!” they called back. You stood up and walked over so they could hear you better.

            “Sorry, I think you have the wrong house. I didn’t order a pizza,” you called back.

            “Are you sure?” they inquired.

            “Yes, I’m very sure,” you retorted, voice terse. This guy was starting to annoy you. Suddenly, the doorknob jiggled. “What the fuck are you doing?” you spat at him. There was a muttered curse, and then they spoke up again.

            “You changed the lock? …Dirk, please let me in, the pizza is starting to burn my hand and my bags are heavy.”

            “Who are you?” you demanded.

            “Blast it, Strider, just open the friggin door!”          

            You swung the door open, now sure of who it was, though you could hardly believe it. Were you dreaming? Again? But Jake English stood in your doorway, pizza in one hand and big bags in the other. “Jake?” you asked, unsure if you were really seeing what you were seeing. Jake looked a little nervous, handing off the pizza.

            “I’m back…?” he uncertainly announced. You awkwardly let him in, bringing the pizza into the kitchen.

            “Dave’s over at John and Jane’s house, so there’s no one else to eat this pizza. Uh… do you want some?” you offered. Jake set down the bags of stuff and stretched his arm. The bags must be heavy if they hurt his shoulder.

            “Yes, please, that would be ace,” he replied. You brought him back a plate with three pieces, still knowing how much pizza he could eat after months of being away from him. You both sat down on the couch, avoiding each other’s eyes as you ate.

            Once you finished, there was nothing to stop conversation. “I, uh…” Jake went to get his bags, setting them down between the two of you. “I just came back from Japan,” he mentioned, staring down into one of the bags.

            “Oh, that’s cool,” you murmured.

            “I, um…brought back some stuff for you,” he added. You perked up at that. Souvenirs from Japan? For _you_? Jake began pulling out item after item. [A slightly terrifying mask of Super Saiyan Goku](http://image.shutterstock.com/z/stock-photo-osaka-july-masks-hang-in-a-booth-during-tenjin-matsuri-on-july-in-osaka-with-a-30040591.jpg), a [bento box](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/61/88/25/6188252f61a200bb0597363b00db3a92.jpg), a [fixed hand fan](http://buri-palm-hand-fans.yolasite.com/resources/Paper%20Paddle%20Hand%20Fan%2014.5%20Peacock%20Green.jpg), all different kinds of Japanese sweets, a gorgeous katana, and a complete [yukata](http://image.rakuten.co.jp/lux-style/cabinet/product/official/4/pm-4029.jpg) set.

            You gently set the stuff in your lap aside as Jake began rambling on about the different parts of the yukata set. You tackled him, earning a yelp as he fell back on the couch with you on top of him. You tossed the [obi](http://www.jlifeinternational.com/apparel/kimono/Images/redobi.jpg) from his hands to the floor and kissed him as he began to protest.

            Jake was startled at first, but he quickly recovered, grabbing at your face and kissing you back passionately. You melted into the touch, opening your mouth when he nipped at your bottom lip. Your tongues tangled as you tried to catch up on seven whole months of not kissing each other, let alone _seeing_ each other.

            You rested your foreheads together as you caught your breath, smiling at him. He returned the smile with his own goofy grin, running gentle fingers through your hair. “Put it on for me?” he asked, gesturing with his head toward the yukata set.

            You nodded to him, slipping your shirt over your head and shimmying out of your jeans. You reached for the cotton undergarment (called a [juban](http://www.japanya.co.uk/img/product/gallery/kimono-undergarment-juban-2.jpg)), but Jake stopped you before you could grab it. “I thought you wanted to see me in the yukata set,” you smirked at him.

            “Yes, but I’ve never seen you undressed before either,” Jake murmured to you, running his hands down your bare torso. His dark green eyes flickered up to meet yours. “And that’s a much better sight to see, isn’t it, love?” he purred, and you’re sure he hadn’t missed the full body shudder you made at his honeyed words.

            “I’ll get naked for you anytime, Jake,” you told him honestly. His arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you in closer, his lips brushing up against your ear.

            “But would you let me touch you anytime, Dirk?” he whispered.

            “God yes,” you practically moaned, and the two of you went tumbling backwards on the couch, silently thanking the goddess you know to be Roxy Lalonde that she took your brother for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made the decision to not have an explicit sex scene in this fanfic. I may do a sequel when this is finished, but it will be a separate work from this one. I know we all like smut, but please respect this decision. 
> 
> (if you want to send me prompts for OTHER fanfiction, smuty or otherwise, you can direct yourself to [ my tumblr askbox ](transmansylveon.tumblr.com/ask)
> 
> also, links! for references! I got all the item ideas from some "top ten souvenirs when going to Japan" list. except the katana I think? And the candy.


	8. Dirk: Turn 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk turns 20 years old! We get more background on why he's Dave's sole guardian, and Dirk gets some really sweet presents from the people he loves!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dirk's birthday in this fic is actually on August 3rd. I decided that the canon Homestuck birthdays (aka every in the beginning of December except John and Jane, and all relatives sharing their birthdays) are ridiculous for a no-sburb AU. Based on what zodiac signs I thought they should be, I gave them new birthdays! (John and Roxy actually kept their birthdays)
> 
> I will post all of their birthdays and ages at the ending chapter notes
> 
> Thanks for sticking by with such a long hiatus! Sorry, writer's block and depression sucks! ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**== > Dirk: Have a Birthday, Be the 20 Year Old**

            Your name is Dirk Strider, and today, the 3rd of August, is your birthday. You are currently turning 20 years old, also known collectively with 19 years old as terrible ages to be. You’re not newly adult anymore, but you aren’t adult enough to drink yet, either. It blows. Birthdays blow in general, in your opinion. And no, it’s not a biased opinion based on past life events; birthdays are just pointless celebrations of your continued survival on this miserable rock you call home.

            …Okay yeah, maybe your past life events worsen your disdain for birthdays, in particular yours. A week ago, you had sat down with Jake and asked him to please not make a big deal out of your birthday. He pressed you for information on ‘ _why the bloody hell not_ ’ and you dodged the questions and went to bed. Jake turned to Dave, and the little shit explained for him.

            You see, you weren’t always Dave’s sole caretaker. In fact, he went 12 years being raised by your parents, if you would be inclined to bestow the title upon them. In truth, they didn’t really deserve to be called your parents. The only reason they had kids is because that’s what was expected of them. They were scumbags, and birthdays weren’t really something you ever got from them. When Dave was born, your little 4 year old self promised his baby self that he _would_ have birthday present every year. It was tricky until you were old enough to mow lawns and walk dogs in the neighborhood. And when you were 15, you got a job by lying on your resume and saying you were a year older than you were. The owner of the shop figured out very quickly, but she was sweet enough to not fire you, especially when you told her why you needed the job.

            You were going to get yourself a birthday present for your sweet sixteen, and you were going to get a car. Your boss, Roxy, had helped you pass your driver’s test, as well as giving you extra hours to help you save. You had it all saved up, waiting for your birthday to come so you could buy the car. Two days before, your parents stole your money and decided to go on vacation with it. Your birthday arrived and not only were your parents gone, but so was your money. You never have cried as hard as you did that birthday, not even when you got a call two weeks later to come down to a morgue and identify your parents’ bodies. From then on, you cared for Dave on your own.

            So, yeah, you really weren’t fond of birthdays. Evidently, Jake did not feel the same way. In fact, you would go so far as to say he _loved_ birthdays, as shown by how crazy he went for Dave’s sweet sixteen. Jake paid for driving classes for Dave, as well as taking him to Disneyworld for a weekend. In your opinion, he completely overshadowed your present, a preserved fetus in a jar for his gross collection of dead things and a new film camera, but he broke down crying when you gifted them to him, so you must have done something right, you suppose.

* * *

 

            The morning of August 3rd, you were awoken to Jake kissing you all over your face and then shouting, “Happy birthday, love!” in your face as soon as he saw the slivers of orange peek at him. You groaned, flinching down, and he sheepishly apologized.

            “What did I say about-? Oh…” you trailed off, noticing the two plates of breakfast he had on a tray. Your stomach groaned at the sight of the delicious food.

            “I thought we could eat breakfast in bed?” Jake offered, and you smiled and leaned over to give him a grateful peck on the lips before digging in. The food was absolutely delicious, but there was something odd.

            “I thought you said you couldn’t cook to save your life,” you mentioned.

            “I can’t,” he agreed simply with his mouth full of pancake.

            “This all tastes amazing; are you telling me you, like, bought it from a restaurant or something?” you asked, eyebrows raised.

            “Uh, something like that.” Jake’s nervous grin made you narrow your eyes at him.

            “Jake, what-?” you began to ask, but before you could, you were interrupted by someone calling from downstairs.

            “Dave is begging to stay home from school, but he’s got a test today in History. Please ask Dirk what he wants me to do? I can take him to school anyways, if Dirk wants!” your eyes met Jake’s.

            “Did your ex-wife cook me breakfast in bed,” you asked flatly, though it was hardly a question. Jake shrugged.

            “I asked her if she could, and she said yes, since it was your birthday and she loves cooking for people,” he explained. You sighed, shaking your head and sliding out of bed to get dressed. You came downstairs to see not only Jane and Dave, but also Roxy and John as well. Roxy and Dave were arguing whether your birthday was worth missing a test. Jane perked up when you entered the room.

            “Oh, Dirk! Happy birthday, darling!” she grinned, holding out her arms and coming in for a hug. You smiled and hugged her gratefully. “Did you like breakfast?” She asked hopefully.

            “Yeah, it was great. How’d Jake finagle you into making it, though?” You inquired. Jane shrugged, much like Jake had.

            “Oh, you know, he tries, but his cooking isn’t eatable so someone else has to do it for him,” She explained, adding a teasing, “Men, am I right?” to Roxy.

            “Diiiirk, don’t make me go to school! I want to see you open your presents!” Dave suddenly whined over your laughter. You rolled your eyes at him.

            “You can see my presents when you get home, Dave. Get ready for school or you’ll be late,” you tell him sternly.

            “Noooo, I want to _see_ you open them!” he clarified, still whining.

            “I’m afraid I _did_ tell him he would get to see you open my present, Dirk,” Jake spoke up. “Besides, its just one lousy test! I say to hell with it!” he added, striking a pose for emphasis.

            “Fine, fine, you can stay home,” you groaned, pulling out your phone to call the school. Dave cheered, hugging you as tightly as he could and squeezing a groan out of you. You ruffled his hair, smiling at his little kid antics at getting to stay home. 

* * *

 

==> Jake: Give Dirk His Present

            You are now Jake English, and you are very excited about Dirk’s present. You let Dave help you pick it out, since he knew his brother’s taste better than you did. You made him swear not to tell Dirk the surprise, and he agreed as long as he got to see Dirk when he saw it. Hence, you convincing Dirk to let the teen stay home.

            Dave and John had been working on something together for Dirk in secret, and unlike you, Dave had refused to share his secret. And you think Roxy and Jane got him new clothes?

            Roxy and Jane had Dirk open their presents first, and just as you thought, they had gotten him some nice clothes. A leather jacket, a few shirts with anime characters on them, a belt with a huge buckle with the Batman symbol on it, three pairs of jeans and a pair of sweatpants, a few pairs of outrageous socks, and… a gasmask?

            “It looked cool,” Roxy shrugged when Dirk looked to her for explanation. “I got you one to match, Jakey!” she added, reaching in to pull out the second one. You rolled your eyes, but you had to admit… they _did_ look cool!

            “I can use it for soldering. Thanks, Roxy. Thanks, Jane,” he smiled, setting them aside. He turned to John and Dave, who were arguing. Dave’s cheeks were red and he was trying to pull the box away from John’s insistent hands. “Whatcha got there, lil man?” he asked, amused. Dave startled, giving John the distraction needed to snatch the box out of the younger blonde’s hands.

            “Here. Dave got embarrassed and didn’t want to give it to you here, but that’s dumb so you should open it now,” he explained. Dirk snorted and opened up the box.

            Inside was a sewing machine, a small kit for hand sewing, some scraps of fabric, and a pattern for some weird plushie. The pattern looked old, and you recognized Dirk’s handwriting on it. “Hey, its my pattern for Smuppets!” Dirk exclaimed. Roxy groaned, while you and Jane looked at him in confusion.

            “What the dickens is a ‘smuppet’?” you inquired.

            “Do we want to know?” Jane added.

            “No,” Roxy answered.

            “They were puppet things with dick noses. I sold one, joking that you could fuck the puppet, and, uh… people replied back telling me they did. A lot of people, actually. I joked about starting a smuppet selling business, but… I thought I threw the pattern away?” he looked to Dave curiously, who shrugged.

            “You liked sewing them, but you threw the pattern away because you didn’t have free time anymore and I felt bad so I took it out of the trash and hid it,” he mumbled, fidgeting in embarrassment. “You said it would be easier with a sewing machine, so John got you one,” he added.

            “There’s more, look in the box!” John urged. Dirk reached in and pulled out a poorly constructed red ‘smuppet’, a soft grin on his face.

            “You actually sewed one yourself…” he trailed off, voice soft. Dave began to stammer out an excuse.

            “One last thing!” John persisted. Dirk set the smuppet aside and pulled out a book, his eyes growing wide. He began to flip through it, and you looked over his shoulder to see it as well.

            It was a scrapbook. There were pictures of a younger him and Dave, from even before their parents passed. Those looked like _someone_ was cut out of them, but you suppose that’s understandable. Most of the pictures were from Dave’s new camera, a good portion of them from Disneyworld.

            The second to last picture had you, Dave, John, and Dirk. John and Dave had an arm around each other, and Dave’s other arm was around Dirk while Dirk leaned into you. Independent from that picture was single pictures of Jane and Roxy, and above it in foam letters said “My New Family”. You could see Dirk’s eyes tearing up, but he didn’t really start crying until the very last picture, a picture of just Dirk and Dave with their arms around each other, smiling brightly, with the huge castle behind them. Under it, in Dave’s messy handwriting, was a short message.

            “Read it out loud, Love,” you urged, nudging him gently.

            “N-no! It’s something personal from Dave; he would be embarrassed-” he began, voice thick.

            “You can read it out loud, Dirk,” Dave interrupted, a tentative smile on his face. Dirk nodded hesitantly and began to read.

   

            By the time he had finished reading the message, Dirk was actively trying to hold back sobs. He looked up at Dave and the younger blonde was also in tears, and he ran forward and hugged his brother tightly, crying into his shirt. Jane was wiping away a tear of her own, and honestly you felt a bit misty eyed as well. Roxy and John still had dry eyes, but they were still smiling brightly at such a touching scene.

            When they finally pulled away, much calmer, Dave glanced at you and smirked. “Last is Jake’s present, and I think you’ll like his the most,” he told Dirk.

            Dirk waved the scrapbook with a skeptical book. “I don’t know about that, Dave. This was pretty great,” he stated.

            “His is better,” Dave countered confidently. Dirk looked to you curiously.

            “Is this going to make me cry like a little bitch, too?” He questioned you.

            “The bitchiest,” Dave confirmed for you. Dirk laughed and followed you out to the front of the house, and you were proud to say Dirk’s jaw genuinely dropped when he saw what was waiting for him, a huge bow on top.

            “J-Jake…” he choked out, hands going to his mouth in shock. In his driveway was a brand new truck, orange in color, with a custom license plate saying “STRIDER”.

            “Holy fuck, Jake,” Roxy gasped, having not seen it because she came over before you parked it in the driveway. Dirk looked from you to Dave and back to you, his eyes wide and his mouth opening and closing not unlike a fish.

            “It’s not exactly like the one you wanted to buy when you were 16, but it’s close, right?” you prompted. Dirk nodded reverently, turning to the truck and holding out a hand nervously, as if he was afraid it wasn’t real. “Dirk, the keys?” you added, jangling them at him.

            Dirk took the keys with shaking hands, staring at them in awe. He looked at you with his bottom lip trembling, and then you had to catch him before he fell to his knees bawling. You held him tightly, hand rubbing soothing circles into his back as violent sobs wracked his frame. This time, Roxy was actually tearing up, and Dave gave you a thumbs up and shooed everyone else back inside.

            “Are you alright, my love?” you asked gently. Dirk nodded, having calmed down a bit. You wiped the tears from his face, smiling gently, and kissed his forehead. He smiled through his fresh tears, and you wiped those away too.

            “This is so sweet, Jake. I didn’t realize my birthday was going to be so nostalgic and sentimental, fuck…” he chuckled. You shrugged.

            “You had a pretty tough life, you and Dave. And those people…”

            “My parents?” Dirk guessed.

            “The ones who conceived you,” you corrected, “they treated you terribly. You deserved this vehicle 4 years ago, and it’s fucking terrible you didn’t get it because of them.” Dirk nodded in agreement. “I love you so much, and I want to give you the world,” you added earnestly.

            “How about just treat us all to dinner? I’ll drive!” he replied. You laughed and nodded, going to pull away, but he tugged you back. “I love you too, Jake. Thank you so much. For everything,” he told you, a serious look on his face. You kissed the look away.

            “No, thank _you_ for letting me into your life,” you amended firmly. He smiled and nodded. “Happy birthday, Dirk,” you added.

            You hope, next year, Dirk will actually look forward to his birthday, instead of dreading it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of this chapter, the character's birthday and ages are as follows:
> 
> **Jade: February 1st 1981 (age?)  
> Jake: March 1st 1968 (48)  
> John: April 13th 1999 (17)  
> Jane: May 13th 1971 (45)  
> Dave: July 3rd 2000 (16)  
> Dirk: August 3rd 1996 (20)  
> **Rose: September 4th 1997 (age?)  
> Roxy: December 4th 1988 (28 ((29))
> 
> **these two haven't been introduced yet. soon.


	9. Cinnamon Toast Crunch (Lov the Cronch)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While debating on what movie they should see, Dirk, Jake, John, and Dave bear witness to someone abandoning a poor kitten. The poor thing is sick and not in good shape at all, and the boys take it upon themselves to care for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to keep everything as vague as I could be to avoid triggers, but there is mentions and implications of animal abuse and animal neglect, and talk of euthanasia. Important Spoilers, the kitten is going to be okay! I would not be able to write an animal death after establishing said animal as a character, so don't worry. She will not die. SHE WILL LIVE ON FOR ETERNITY!!!!
> 
> Still, if you are easily triggered by even the implications of animal abuse/neglect, or mentions of euthanasia, then please PLEASE proceed with caution.

          "Dirk, nooo! You know I don't like scary movies!" Dave whined loudly, tugging on the sleeve of Dirk's orange hoodie.

            "I'll hold your hand if you get scared," John offered, smirking. Dave glared his way momentarily before turning to his last hope: you.

            Your name is Jake English and your boyfriend's kid brother is giving you puppydog eyes.

            You are taking your boyfriend, his brother, and his brother's boyfriend to the movies. Alas, the four of you still cannot decide on a movie to see. You've stepped out of the lines and away from the crowds to talk better.

            "Jake, don't make us see a scary movie, pleeeeeease," Dave pleaded, having put his shades on top of his head to give you the maximum pitiful look. You were about to reply when suddenly, John spoke up.

            "Hey, what's that weird van doing over there?" John inquired curiously, nodding his head towards the van parked in front of the alleyway nearby. Dirk stepped in between Dave and John and the van, giving the vehicle a suspicious glare. Or, at least, you _assumed_ he was glaring suspiciously. Unlike his brother, Dirk's pointy shades are firmly in place.

            "I don't know, but keep away from-" As he warned your group about your proximity to the van, one of its doors opened and something was tossed out. The door shut again and the van took off. As it went, the sound of a phone camera shutter went off. Dave shrugged when you gave him a questioning look.

            "As soon as you started talking about pedo van, I was taking out my phone. Got a picture of the license plate just in time, too," the younger blonde explained, waving his cellphone meaningfully.

            "What do you think they threw out, by the way?" John asked curiously.

            "A dead body?" Dave added, sounding more hopeful than he should have sounded.

            "Don't be a dumbass, dumbass; it was too small to be a corpse," Dirk huffed, rolling his eyes. The conversation wandered back towards the movie decision, but you were still feeling unsettled.

            "Sh!" you suddenly hissed, straining your ears. John began to question you. "Shut up!" you snapped at him, listening more intently. The sound was faint, but you heard it again, and it was definitely what you thought.

            "A cat?" Dirk whispered, following you as you followed the sound to its origin.

            "It doesn't sound so good..." Dave mumbled worriedly, following his brother.

            "That van.... it couldn't have.... you don't think..... the thing it threw....." John fumbled his inquiries, trailing after his boyfriend.

            As you feared, a dirty little lump of ginger fur laid in the entrance of the alley, right where the person in the van had thrown it. You carefully picked it up, and though the little thing gave a protesting mewl, it was too weak to struggle.

            "Dirk, go get the car _now_ ," you ordered, and Dirk flashstepped away without a word. The kitten was skin and bones in your arms, fur matted and tangled, nose dry, and little cuts that lazily oozed blood scattered all over it.

            "Jake?" you glanced up at Dave, huddled up against John's side. His sunglasses were still on top of his head, so you could see his worried red eyes were watering. "Is it gonna be okay?" he whimpered, bottom lip trembling, and you could not answer him truthfully so you avoided his look. John wrapped an arm around him reassuringly.

            The orange truck skidded to a halt in front of you. "Get into the truck, I already called a cat hospital. We have to hurry, though; I don't know how long that cat has," Dirk ordered. You all jumped into the truck and Dirk drove off without waiting for you to even fasten your seatbelts. The kitten rasped out a tiny meow, sounding worse than when you first heard it.

            A nurse was waiting for you when you rushed in. She carefully took the kitten from you, and you didn't miss the grimace she made when she took in the state the kitten was in. "Please wait out here, we will get back to you as soon as we know what's going on," she recited as she hurried into one of the rooms.

            The coffee machine churned out an awful brew, but you still sipped it nervously as you paced. Dave was huddled up against Dirk, mumbling under his breath. You guessed he was reciting raps to himself to stay calm. Dirk was playing a game on his phone, but when you glanced at the screen you could see he was doing horribly. John was holding Dave hand in his and eating vending machine skittles with his free hand.

            In short, the four of you were messes.

            The vet called you and Dirk back, concerned that too many people would make the cat feel boxed in and stress her out.

            "Her?" Dirk repeated as you followed the vet into one of the rooms. A nurse was petting the rescued kitten, who laid limp on the exam table. The ginger ball of fluff was less dirty now, but she still looked sickly. Even so, she perked up when you and Dirk entered the room, mewling weakly at you.

            "Yes, the cat is a female! She's pretty young, maybe three months old?" The nurse answered. The vet nodded, then sighed.

            "She has a few infected cuts, a nasty ear infection, a respiratory illness, fleas, and her front left paw is broken. Just the tests to figure this all out has put the cost estimates in the thousands, and then there's the cost of the actual _treatments_ on top of that. And even then, it's still not guaranteed she will survive," the vet explained.

            "At this point there are two choices for you. You can take responsibility for the cat and pay for the tests and the treatment medication, which will take months and requires checkups at least twice per month. Or, we can treat her as an anonymous drop-off," the nurse added.

            "Will you still treat her if we do the second option?" you asked. The vet and nurse exchanged looks, and hesitantly the vet shook her head.

            "At this point, we would euthanize her," The vet admitted.

            "No!" Dirk cried, grabbing your arm. "Jake, we can't let them put her down," he told you.

            "Is she in a lot of pain?" you asked, attempting to ignore Dirk's insistent tugging.

            "With the pain medication we would prescribe her, the pain wouldn't be too severe," The vet answered.

            "Jake!" Dirk called worriedly. You put your hand on his gently, smiling softly at him, and his tense frame relaxed at the gesture. Then, you shoved your hand into your back pocket and pulled out your wallet, slapping it down on the counter.

            "If she's not suffering too terribly, I'll pay all the necessary costs as long as we do everything we can to make her better," you announced, determination clear in your voice. Dirk sighed in relief.

            The vet and nurse gave each other shocked looks before nodding and starting to gather things up. "Would you like to adopt her, or will you just foster her until she's better?" the nurse asked, holding up adoption papers.

            "We'll adopt her," Dirk replied, holding out his hand for the paper. He looked at you for confirmation and you nodded. "I better take this out to the boys. They would be so mad if they couldn't help decide on a name," Dirk chuckled before ducking out of the room.

            You paid off the vet bills, bought all the prescribed medications, paid the adoption fee, and purchased a cat carrier as well. No pet of yours was going home in a cardboard carrier! When you met up with Dirk, Dave, and John in the waiting room, they were excitedly waiting to tell you the name of your new pet.

            "Cinnamon Toast Crunch!" Dave announced proudly. You laughed and agreed that it was a good name. The four of you - well, _five_ of you, you supposed it was now!- stopped by the pet store to buy supplies; three comfy cat beds, an assortment of wet cat food and some dry cat food, a variety of cat treats, lots of fun cat toys, a litterbox and some cat litter, a food bowl and a water bowl both with her name printed on them, a brush for grooming her, and last but not least a purple collar with rhinestones and a little silver bell.

            "I hope you know we aren't even going to try to put that on Crunch until she is 100% better," Dirk warned the three of you as you began to set up the house. You agreed, a bit disappointed. She will look _so cute_ in her _wittle collar_!!!!

            "Wait.... _Crunch_?" you suddenly questioned.

            "Well, yeah, it's a nickname. We aren't going to use her full name every single time, are we?" Dirk answered.

            "No, I know, but. I was thinking Cinnamon," you replied, frowning.

            "Boring," The other three chimed in together.

            "I was gonna call her Toast," John added with a shrug.

            "Crunch is better," Dirk disagreed.

            "No, Toast is much better," John argued.

            "Cinnamon makes the most sense," you protested.

            "Cronch."

            The three of you turned to Dave, standing there holding the cat in question and nodding sagely.

            "What?" you finally asked.

            "Cronch," Dave relayed.

            "Cronch?" John hesitantly repeated.

            "Cronch," Dave confirmed, nodding.

            "Why Cronch?" Dirk inquired. Dave kissed the top of the kitten's little ginger head.

            "Lov the Cronch," Dave stated, though it didn't answer any of your questions.

            After the house was set up sufficiently, you offered John a ride back home. Dirk and Dave had come to live in your house since it was a big house and there was enough room for them to live in, and then some. But John still lived with his father.

            "Can't I stay for a sleepover with Toast?" John whined, looking up from where he was lying next to Cinnamon Toast Crunch on your bed.

            "Just with Crunch? Not with, you know, your boyfriend?" Dirk pointed out with a chuckle. John shrugged.

            "Him too, I guess."

            "Heyyyyy!" Dave whined in complaint.

            "Yeah, I guess you can stay over, as long as you tell your father first," you agreed. John cheered, quietly so as to not disturb the resting kitten, and rushed off to make the phone call.

            "Everyone is going to want to sleep in our bed with us and the kitten, you know that right?" Dirk informed you.

            "Yeah, I know. Good thing the bed is big enough, right?" you laughed.

            As he said, when it was time to get ready to sleep everyone settled into _your_ bed, the kitten lying safely on a pillow above your collective heads. You gave Cinnamon Toast Crunch her medicine for that night, which she predictably hated, and then got settled in. You laid on one end with Dirk curled up beside you, lying his head against your chest. On Dirk's other side was Dave, snuggled up against Dirk's back, and on the other end of the bed was John, spooning his blonde boyfriend.

            "Goodnight, everyone. Goodnight, Cinnamon," you murmured.

            "Goodnight, you guys. Goodnight, Toast," John added.

            "Goodnight, Crunch," Dirk bypassed everyone else to say goodnight to the cat.

            "Still lov the Cronch," Dave mumbled. You _still_ didn't understand what he was saying.

            Cinnamon Toast Crunch meowed sleepily, and the four- sorry, _five_ of you slowly drifted to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave is a little memelord who uses the cat for memes. I also have a friend whose cat actually IS named Toast! Doctor Toast, to be precise. He's a good kitty blep-er
> 
> ........anyways. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was planned out for a while actually!


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